I have been on 20 mg of prednisone and had to up my Imuran (chemotherapy medication), because I had such a hard time lowering the prednisone, for almost three weeks now. I 'normally' start to stabilize by this point. That was what I was counting on, to be honest. After such a miserable time dropping my prednisone from 25 mg to 20 mg, my body needed a break...and so did my mind.
The constant pain, having nausea 24/7, and dealing with fainting/throat spasms was wreaking havoc on my emotions. I saw what my decline in health was doing to my family, as well, and more then once I wondered what I was doing here at all but making my parents feel incredibly sad and worried about my health. Dark thoughts during dark and painful times.
Thankfully, the depression has mostly lifted, the pain is not as severe, and the nausea not quite as constant, but my body still is not ready to let up the hold it has and let me stabilize. How am I supposed to 'move forward' as my mom puts it, when I still feel like a walking prednisone side effect? Goodness knows I want to. I would love to start planning for my future, where lowering prednisone and waiting to stabilize are in the past...when I no longer look like I am wearing a turtle shell on my back (three more weeks until I find out if I can take the brace off).
My mom asks me what I want to do with my days, to move forward....right now, I would be happy with being stable and starting to get out of the house a bit more. Thinking beyond that, well, let's just say when I think of it, my body says NO! So the body wins this round. Hopefully, by next post, it will have eased up the grip it has on me, and I will not only be moving forward, but surging ahead.
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