When I first decided to start dating again, after a very long three year hiatus, I asked my lupus warrior friends when I should introduce the fact I have lupus and autonomic issues. I had my own opinions on the topic...that it should be within the first few conversations (since I was using an internet dating service), but I wanted to know what other's had to say on the issue.
Almost everyone that answered me told me to wait until after some kind of relationship was established...and definitely not before or during the first date. I was shocked by these responses. Lupus is such a big part of our lives. Yes, we may not "look sick", but lupus does impact our lives in a myriad of ways: from fatigue, to diet changes, working (or not, in my case), physical issues (pain, immune suppression, medications...), and of course if/when we end up having a "flare".
I ultimately decided to write my profile hinting of my lupus status by writing about how I am on the Board of Directors of the Lupus Foundation of the Southeast Chapter of Florida and run a support group called "Living with Lupus" once a month. I also made it quite clear that although I did not mind if my partner had children, I could/would not be having any of my own.
I did get many responses to my profile, and went on a couple of dates that led no where, despite the fact that I told both men about my lupus status up front, but when push came to shove, they could not deal with the health limitations that came with my "normal" for now.
I was lucky enough to find someone who accepts me for me...lupus and all. He thinks "normal" is boring and finds my quirks endearing, not scary. If I hid my medical status until after our first date, I do not believe there would have been a second date...no more phone calls...no friendship to build upon because I would have been lying to him about a very important part of my life.
Lupus is not my whole life, but it is unrealistic to ignore it in the dating world. So my advice, for what it is worth, is to be honest and upfront. If the man/woman cannot handle your illness in the abstract, isn't it better to know early? For me, explaining a little bit more about myself then I would have normally, made all the difference. No more hiding or living in survival mode.
There is no shame in having lupus.
