Down Goes the Seesaw

After doing well "trying" and yes, actually "doing" throughout the month of November, I developed kidney stones in December.  These stones triggered a lupus flare, in which I had no choice but to up my prednisone dose from 15 mg to 30 mg in order to keep breathing. 

I decided to stay on this dose until after my sister's wedding, so I would not flare again during her special time.  I did remarkably well during the wedding weekend, even though I passed at least one of the stones (which was incredibly painful!).  It was wonderful to spend time with my family, and to meet Dave's (my new brother-in-law) family. 

The only issue was that everyone at the wedding, and pre-wedding party, was sick with colds and the flu/bronchitis.  Due to people coughing and sneezing around me, about four days after coming home, I developed signs of a sinus/upper respiratory infection.  I started on antibiotics right away...but it was not enough...and neither was the 30 mg of prednisone. 

Two days after starting the antibiotics I needed to go to the emergency room, which was packed with incredibly sick people.  Thankfully, the doctors put me in a private room while we waited 9 hours.  I was given IV steroids and valium to help ease my breathing.  My color was a grayish/blue when I went in, but improved enough after the medication that I was able to go home on 50 mg of prednisone. 

I was horribly sick for a full two weeks, so I was unable to lower the dose of prednisone during that time.  Last week was the first time I was able to drop...down to 40 mg...and 30 mg this week.  I am back where I started during the kidney stone flare.  Each week I am high dose prednisone, my body and mind seem to rebel more and more. 

Depression and anxiety are not uncommon for those on high dose prednisone, and I am no exception.  I know what is causing these feelings, and yet it does not make it much easier to handle.  I have to keep reminding myself that it WILL get better, that I have done this many times before and gotten through the torture. 

Sometimes I wonder if this will always be my life...this constant up and down in both mood and health.  I try to steer clear of these particular thoughts...they do nothing but make the depression worse.  I attempt to focus on the fact that I was able to lower two doses successfully and with less pain (though I do get migraines for a few days during each drop).  I really do try to numb my mind...to do whatever possible when I feel well enough.  I managed to get out a little this past weekend, and even on the day that I lowered this week.  The weather is so beautiful right now, and it is such a shame to stay locked in the house. 

I just want this nightmare to be done...I want the Up on the seesaw.  I need to keep reminding myself that it will happen.  I will not let the prednisone win.  I will not let the depression keep me down.  Each time I drop on prednisone will cause me to need this reminder...the reminder that I will prevail and thrive...eventually.